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"This is the most exciting day of my life...and I was pulled on stage once to dance at a Bruce Springsteen concert."
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Wednesday, November 03, 2004

10 More Good Reasons To Move To Canada

You know this election is a big deal or I wouldn't be coming out of my usually, indifferent and self-imposed political shell. Maybe it's because there was a lot at stake with this election. Or maybe it's just cause I'm getting older and's personal.

1. People voted for Bush. A lot of people voted for Bush. Seriously, I'm not gonna come out hating on y'all, but why? Please God, why? I finally understand what Nancy Kerrigan felt like, sitting outside the skating rink after Tonya gave her a good whack.

2. Some people got stickers, buttons and donuts. All I got was a nasty lady helping me use the machine (don't ask) and some flashbacks to CCD meetings in the Roman Catholic Church gone by.

3. The damn voting machines. I don't care what anyone says, we all should be using the same system-period. I mean it's not like we just found out there was an election coming last week. We prepare for lots of things in advance all the time. Weddings. Thanksgiving get-togethers. Hell, even the Olympics ran more smoothly, and that involved heavy metals and foreign language translators.

4. Everyone hates us. Or even worse, they pity us. The French aren't stupid. The British aren't stupid. We all thought America was made fun of before, just wait.

5. Americans are against Americans. Listen, I don't hate you just because you voted for Bush. I don't UNDERSTAND you, but I don't hate you. I'll still talk to you. In fact, I'll even sit next to you at lunch. But I'll tell you right now, not everyone is going to be this kind. There's gonna be a lot of division in the lunchroom of life, if you know what I'm saying.

6. Yet another excuse for network television drama. You know how CBS manages to draw out shows like Survivor? Well,that's the same school of thought that runs the reporting on the election at most of the major networks. A simple flip here or there will show you that although every network, promised to not call the thing too early, that numbers were all over the place. And it's no secret. When a Democratic representative was on, they said they remained confident. When a Republican representative was on, they said...they remained confident. The rest of the time, careful not to project anything, they sat around swapping what if's. "What if Kerry wins Pennsylvania but not Florida? What if Bush wins Florida, but not Pennsylvania? What if Joey had chosen Dawson over Pacey?" Nail biting stuff guys, really.

7. Counting is hard. I propose, for the next election, we recruit The Count from Sesame Street. He taught us all how to count the first time, but apparently it didn't catch on for some. This way we can all count together, thus ensuring the process was a fair and speedy one. I mean come on, it might take up to 10 days in Ohio? I'll personally ship over some math manipulatives for the purpose of managing the art of regrouping if you think it will help the cause.

8. There are people that voted...for Nader. I actually know one of those people. She said she woke up the morning of Election Day and still couldn't decide between Bush and Kerry... so she went with Nadar. To some people, decisions like that are like the difference between a short sleeved shirt and a button down blouse or coffee vs. tea. They are go with the flow people. Unfortunately, they also went.. and threw... their vote...away.

9. Electoral votes vs. popular votes Ok, so I admit it. I wasn't paying nearly as much attention as I should have been in Social Studies class, because I'm still trying to make sense of the electoral vs. popular vote. Obviously, the electoral vote is the one that matters, but as I understand it, the popular vote is the one that wins the candidate the electoral aren't they really one in the same? All I know is there are still folks who are bitter about Ruben winning over Clay, so I can just imagine what kind of text messages would have cropped up as a result of this.

10. Bush's annoying smirk. Worse than the embarrassing Bushisms. Worse than the lack of empathy. Even worse than the lack of know how is Bush's uncanny ability to smirk...about EVERYTHING. Irregardless of how you feel about the man, at times this is to the point of being inappropriate. He comes out and tells us about impending war, and he has a smile on his face. Maybe it's a nervous smile. I don't know. All I know is it's creepy and I think, evil. Nothing good can come of that smile, do you hear me? NOTHING GOOD. And yet, some people see the happy, harmless Texan smiling and say "aww shucks, let's give em 4 more years."

Dammit all to hell.



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