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"This is the most exciting day of my life...and I was pulled on stage once to dance at a Bruce Springsteen concert."
30 Rock


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Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Water On The Brain

Dear Water,

Listen. I wanted to be the one to put this straight to you. You know people have been talking, right? Honestly, you and I have always gotten along. You were the wind beneath my wings when I took my first bath. You gently played with me as I jumped your waves. Oh and do you remember the time I learned how to swim? We had fun back then. Yes, those were good times.

But lately something's changed. You've changed. I've spoken to the sun, moon and stars on this and we're all in agreement so please don't turn away. You're not your same old, "splish, splash, raindrops keep falling on my head" happy go lucky self. No, lately you've been different. Angry. Sullen. I mean I've witnessed your whirlpools and been caught in your hail storms, but not since the days of Noah's Ark have I seen such an overwhelming hostility from a God given element. Yes water, I'm talking to YOU. To semi-paraphrase a verse from the 1980's Pet Shop Boys hit, "What have we, what have we, what have we done to deserve this"?

Don't get me wrong. I know people have been mean to you before. They're playful, yet hurtful remarks about Evian being naive spelled backwards. And then there's the whole neglect issue given the, "8 glasses a day thing" that virtually no one abides by. I get it. Sometimes you feel unappreciated and rightfully so. We want iced tea? You make it so. We need healthy crops? You say consider it done. But water, two wrongs don't make a right. Just because people haven't always appreciated you,that's no reason for you to drown us in a new batch of sorrows, literally.

As if being a ringleader in the devastating tsunami wasn't bad enough, I then get wind of the news that you've been an accomplice to the mudslides in California. Water, if I've told you once I've told you dozen times. Mud is headed down the wrong path!

You: Keep us clean. Mud: Makes us dirty.
You: Keep us hydrated. Mud: Keeps us dirty.

Are you detecting a pattern here?

I know it seems like the damage has already been done, but water you have to listen to me when I say it's not too late to turn yourself in. Sure you might get a few extra days community service in the warm, summer months, but really, what's the trade off? What's next? A penguin freeze out? A Swiss Alps blizzard? A Scott Hamilton figure skating mishap? Next thing I know you'll tell me you had a hand in this whole Brad/Jennifer thing. Where will it all end?!

No water. It must end and it must end NOW. No more fooling around with Mother Nature. Let's face it, you need us as much as we need you. You'd be bored without 66% or so of people's bodies to occupy because covering 80% of the Earth might sound cool now but believe me, it gets old and it gets old fast.

So water, I hope you take what I've said today to heart. We need to know we can trust you will go back to being the ice in our coca colas and the frost on our windows. We need you water. You're our main man. Our H20. Don't let us down.


Janet B



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