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Runner-Up Best Overall Blog of 2005!

I'm a down to earth girl who loves to laugh at others...I mean make others laugh.
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"This is the most exciting day of my life...and I was pulled on stage once to dance at a Bruce Springsteen concert."
30 Rock


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Monday, January 31, 2005

This Is Dedicated To The Comments I Loved

I had a hard time deciding just who to honor and how in regards to this post, as if you couldn't tell by my clever acts of diversion and procrastation over the past few days.

For starters, I'm not sure there was one person who came the closest to matching my true image. There was also more than one of you who were quite creative. What I'm trying to say is there are no losers here. That being said, let's move on with the winners.

Dawn said: "I'm going with blonde hair, since it seems like everyone else is going with dark hair. Maybe medium/shortish? And green eyes. Totally pulling all of this out of my ass of course."

For this, Dawn, aka Tiny Voices In My Head, wins the official "So Close Yet So Far Away" Award in Accuracy of A Physical Description. Daryl Hall and John Oates would also like to apologize for not being able to be here tonight, otherwise they would have presented this award to Dawn themselves.

Dawn is the closest for obvious reasons. Yes, I am blonde and short although I believe she used the term "shortish" which is, as I understand it, in no way to be confused with Yiddish. My eyes are also green, though not technically since as stated, they do change depending on what I'm wearing. My actual eye color is listed as blue so I suppose I donned a lot of blue back in my hospital days.

Dawn, aka Tiny Voices In My Head, aka webmiztris, is a woman of many names. When you think about this, it makes sense because she is also a woman of many voices.

In my opinion, Dawn's look doesn't really match her blog personality either. Don't ask me what I expected Dawn to look like because that's next to impossible to do when I actually know what the person looks like. From her pictures, she looks younger than her age. For this reason alone, Dawn and I share a common bond.

For some reason I couldn't access Dawn's 100 Things About Me, so we're not privy to what makes Dawn tick. But lucky for us, I could access her 100 Things That Piss Me Off, so at the very least, we now know what not to do around her.

For the most part, Dawn is like you and I. She dislikes things we all can agree on like liars, rapists, abusers, bitches, bullies, racists and being hungry. What makes Dawn unique, however, are the things she dislikes that you may or may not dislike. These include, but are not limited to: reality shows, Clay Aiken, church, Donald Trump, people who are constantly on their cell phone and pEEplE WhO tHinK iTz KewL 2 wRitE LiKe 'DiS A lOT, and 95% of her graduating class of 1994. I'm going to withhold judgment on the last one Dawn, although high school seems to be another way we see eye to eye.

I like to read Tiny Voices In My Head because she she's all over the place, yet completely makes sense at the same time. I imagine a real life conversation with Dawn would be like exercising; exhausting, but in a good way. When we comment on Dawn's blog, we all have a voice, albeit a tiny voice, but a voice nonetheless.

In short, your voices carry, Dawn. Your voices carry.

Swan Shadow said: "I imagine that Janet is a long cool woman in a black dress; 5'9", beautiful tall. She's got Greta Garbo standoff sighs and Bette Davis eyes. Hair of gold and lips like cherries. She can turn the world on with her smile. She's got legs, and knows how to use them. She's got a wiggle in her walk and a giggle in her talk. She's a brick house; she's mighty mighty, just letting it all hang out. She wears rings on her fingers and bells on her toes. And oh got back."

This comment was the one who tugged on my creative heartstrings. For this, Swan Shadow is honored with the "Come With Me And You'll Be In A World Of Pure Imagination" Award of Creativity. Gene Wilder would also like to be here tonight. Don't ask me how I know this. I just do.

SwanShadow would you like you to know the following, "Like nearly everyone in the blogosphere, I'm a freelance writer. Unlike nearly everyone in the blogosphere, I actually make my living at it. No, really."

Sure, SS, rub it in why doncha?

Who Is Swan Shadow you ask?

Well, if Swan Shadow were here he would tell you he would be your father figure. He would make you hot for teacher. He would give you a thumbs up or thumbs down. He'd say "put me in coach!" I'm ready to play today. Loving all things comics he often wonders the following: if he goes crazy, will you stay call him Superman? Oh yeah, he also won on Jeopardy, baby. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

Lucky for us, Swan Shadow thinks out loud and not to himself. In fact, I wonder if Dawn ever hears him.

So there you have it, my tributes to Dawn and Swan Shadow. Now I want YOU to go visit THEM and offer your congratulations for a job well done and for virtually nothing to show for it but this stinking post.

Coming soon...round 3 of If You Could See Me Now.

Saturday, January 29, 2005

Who Loves Ya Baby?

For eons, February has been associated with one holiday and one holiday only, Valentine's Day. It's also the only annoying month with another pesky 'r' in there to shake things up a bit, but that's neither here nor there.

Groundhog's Day takes a backseat. Hell, President's Day has long been packed in the trunk. In fact, as soon as Christmas leaves town, Valentine's Day takes over. Its timing is also perfect since the calendar bum rushes us with a slew of holidays in the fall and early winter. By the time Valentine's Day rolls around, people are just about ready for a shallow reason to celebrate all over again.

Only unlike Groundhog's Day and President's Day, Valentine's Day is quite the exclusive holiday. I'm not even going to try and mince words here. They did it all for the nookie. For those of who are sans that special someone, Valentine's Day becomes the scarlett letter of holidays. A one day branding that YOU yes YOU WILL DIE ALONE.

(Cue playing Janis Ian's At Seventeen in the background)

This is not a new concept. Valentine's Day's wastes no time making people feel inadequate. Don't believe me? Think about the first Valentine's Day you experienced growing up. Remember the anticipation, waiting for your secret crush to notice you with a Necco candy heart and a smile. Remember the rejection when Susie's mailbox was overflowing with Necco candy hearts, among other things. She had her pick of the litter. You had the Valentine from the kid whose mom made them write one to everyone in the class.

As you got older, it didn't get much better. For the guys it meant staring longingly at the unrequited cheerleader in math class. For girls it meant staring longingly at the unrequited best friend who was staring at the cheerleader in math class.

Yes indeedy, love is a battlefield.

But I say if you can't beat 'em, why not join 'em? So for one month and one month only starting on FEBRUARY 1ST, I would like you to pick your biggest blog crush and shower them with affection. Wait. Here comes the really fun part. You are going to do so, anonymously. It might be someone new you've been worshiping from a far, or someone you've been quietly clicking through while Bon Jovi's "She Don't Know Me" booms through your speakers.

Whomever it is, it has to be someone whom you admire. Once the month ends you will reveal yourself to said crush. The best part? You can blog about your pain or your joy depending on the results. (Note: these are not necessarily romantic blogships but merely a mutual admiration society of sorts)

The point is you get to be creative, positive AND a stalker...all for one month only!

The only catch is if you're gonna play, you have to email me and let me know you you intend to harass, err visit by emailing me at This way Janet the Cupid can drop in and see if you are making beautiful blogging together.Unless of course, you pick me. If that's the case, go tell someone else. As long as there's a paper trail.

So what are you waiting for? Let the love fest begin!

Oh and by the way, if you're Susie, you suck.

Friday, January 28, 2005

You Gotta Be In It To Win It

I must say, all of you came out in full force when I dangled the promise of a picture and a post of dedication over your heads. You should be ashamed of yourselves! Extrinsic motivation is something that I usually only use with my students. Even then it only works half of the time.

Anyway, here's what you've all been waiting for. Kinda.:)

The Myths

I don't have brown or red hair.
I don't look like Janeane Garofalo or Lisa Loeb.
I don't wear glasses all of the time.
I don't do blazers or big collars.
I don't have a tattoo of anything, anywhere.
I don't have a pierced naval.
I'm not a nerd.
I'm not Michael Ian Black.
I am not Nicole Kidman.
I don't have a "crazed" look.
I don't have awkward hand movements.
I'm not overweight.
I rarely wear ponytails.
I'm rarely seen smiling. I can't help it. It's my face.:(
I don't have any warts anywhere.
There are no known "spots" on my skin.
I rarely wear rings on my fingers.

The Truths

I do have hair.
My hair is naturally wavy, I straighten it every day.
I look like Janeane Garofalo on the inside.
I do wear glasses some of the time. Mainly for driving. I should wear them more. Seeing people from 5 feet away = good.
I like to think I'm well dressed.
I am a nerd.
I would like to be the female Michael Ian Black.
I do have a serious look a lot of the time. Too serious, in fact.
I often use my hands when I talk.
I have blue eyes but they often change color, depending on what I am wearing.
Don't let me pop culture facade mislead you. I am actually 27 years old.
I do wear perfume and makeup, in moderation.
I am right-handed.
I do have pierced ears.
I paint my toenails in the summertime, my fingernails on a regular basis.
I often sit indian style. Sometimes I have one leg up or down. I rarely sit with perfect posture.
I do dress fairly conservative, though I also often look and dress even younger than I am (I often shop in the children's section...shh)
My height is 5 foot, 1 inch...on a good day.
I am 50% Italian and feel it, but I don't look it.
I often change into pajamas when I get home.
I am an extroverted introvert.
I do watch a lot of TV. Intermittently this involves VH1.
I spend a lot of time on the computer, obviously.
I do consider only a few friends to be close friends.
I hope I'm friendly and kind.
I am a teacher.
I have a pale complexion.
I have long eye lashes.
I have two toe rings.
I don't do it often, but I CAN turn the world on with my smile.:)

You will notice I did not tell you everything there is to know about my apperance, at least not directly. Yes, this was intentional. I guess you'll have to just stay tuned for a post of dedication to the person(s) who knew me without knowing me.

And of course, the ultimate "prize" actual picture.

Sorry. I'm just having too much fun milking this.
Thursday, January 27, 2005

It Was The Best of Times, It Was The Worst Of Times

A few weeks ago, my students started working on multiplication. Admittedly, I had mixed emotions about teaching the concept to a group of third graders who still struggle with 5+3, but just as Siegfried & Roy have taught us this past year, the show must go on.

I thought to myself: How will they memorize their facts? How can they build on previously taught concepts that have yet to be mastered? And equally as important, how can I teach this without wanting to repeatedly shove a fork into my eye?

Then it hit me. Since I'll be knee deep in this adventure for the next few weeks, I might as well have a little fun with it. So I created a bulletin board with pictures of mugs the kids colored in. For every times table factor they master (i.e., all the 2's, 3's etc...) they get a marshmallow with the number on it added to the cup.

But the piece de resistance is the title of the display:

We've Got Chills For Multiplying

Ahh, I kill me.
Wednesday, January 26, 2005

They Say It's Your Birthday

I've loved the creative comments I've gotten on the post you see directly below this one. I will respond, in detail, as promised honoring the person who came the closest and/or is the most creative. I can never predict with you people which posts are gonna be winners. What can I say? You're a finicky bunch.

It hit me a few days ago that this blog is officially one years old as of tomorrow. I use the word gingerly because when I started this blog, I was just coming off of student teaching and just entering the cesspoll known as subbing. I also had uprooted myself to move in with boyfriend of past tense. I was introduced to blogging to help cure the intermittent employment and new to the area blues. But after a few pathetic first attempts (Everyone's gotta start somewhere, right?) I pushed blogging to the back of the proverbial closet.

Just like that sweater that you loved when you bought it, but somehow you only wore once or twice, I rediscovered blogging, waaay in the back of my closet back in June. Suddenly, it was like I was a born again blogger. And so that's how the The AOGB some of you have come to know and love came to pass.

Happy birthday AOGB. You must have been a beautiful baby, cause baby look at you now.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Tell It To Me Tuesday: If You Could See Me Now

How many times have you read a blog and wondered what the person on the other end looked like? If you're anything like me, you automatically start to conjure up an image. It's partly the tone they use, part the things they choose to write about and partly the life that they live, or at least say that they live. However, you never can really put a face to the name of some of those mysterious bloggers without Angela Lansbury on the case.

So, today I'm throwing the ball back in your court. Knowing what you know about me, what do you think I look like? Be honest. If you're new you can play along too, you just might have to do a little research first, or better yet, take a blind guess. Basically everyone can play except for a few of you. Don't be coy. You know who you are.

I will honor the person who gets closest to what I actually look like with a post of dedication. I will also honor the person who gives the most eye catching, creative and/or detailed description. If this person ends up being one in the same, all the better for my tired little fingers. I would dish out cash and prizes to seal the deal but teacher=poor.

And of course, a real life picture will be forthcoming. All in good time my friends. All in good time.
Monday, January 24, 2005

Cav Made Me To Do It

I got tagged by Cav. I don't normally do meme's. They're not really me. But since she asked so nicely AND it is a meme about music, I obliged:

Oh, and I spiced it up a little bit, to inject a little personal style. Hope you don't mind...

Random 10

Something Old

"Worst That Could Happen"- Johnny Maestro and The Brooklyn Bridge
"They Don't Know"- Tracey Ullman
"Don't Shed A Tear"- Paul Carrack

Something New

"Breathe"- Anna Nalick
"Does He Love You?"- Rilo Kiley

Something Borrowed

"I'll Back You Up"- Dave Matthews Band
"Someone Else's Star"- Bryan White

Something Blue

"Out of The Blue"- Debbie Gibson
"Your Baby Never Looked Good In Blue"- Expose
"Blue Sky"- Patty Griffin

1. What is the total amount of music files on your computer?

At last count, 242. Burn baby, burn.

2. The last CD you bought is...

Funny you should ask. As of a week ago, I'd have to dig deep to get the answer to that one since I'm Bear Share's bitch. But then I finally used a gift certificate given to me by a friend. Long story short, I caved and purchased Greenday's American Idiot.

3. What is the last song you listened to before this message?

It depends. Does the radio station in my mind count? I woke up this morning with The Turtles "Elinore" in my head.

4. Write down 5 songs you often listen to that mean a lot to you. (now hyperlinked for your viewing pleasure!)

"Both Belong"- The Grays
"No Such Thing"- John Mayer
"Best Imitation of Myself"- Ben Folds Five
"Lemon Parade"-Tonic
"Dogs In The Yard"- Paul McCrane

5. Who are you gonna pass this to (3 persons) and why?

First of all, I gotta say the whole "three persons" thing sorta bugs me. Who talks like that and where can I get a gun to shoot them?

Since I hate pressuring people to respond to these sort of things so I'm gonna open it up to the first three people who comment to this post. This way you're picking yourself to respond and thus, keeping the meme alive.

Of course, this is also because I'm lazy.

P.S.- Calm down. The '90s are still alive and well below, despite the memes of music.

9 Great Things About I Love The 90's...1998 & 1999: Part Deux

1. "He's sort of the action hero I would be, which is soft and easily killed." (Michael Ian Black on Matthew Broderick's role in Godzilla)

2. "That's like Michael Jackson leaving The Jackson Five or the cop leaving The Village People. It's Ginger who really gave them flava. That's why her name is Ginger. She's got the flava!" (Michael Ian Black on Geri "Ginger Spice" Haliwell's departure from The Spice Girls)

3. "When you get to the point where you can thank silence? That's pretty f***ing enlightened." (Rachael Harris on Alanis Morisette's song, Thank You) ..."I think Alanis did become angry once again after that song because no one said your welcome in response, which is pretty rude." (Mo Rocca)

4. "I like to dance but I didn't like to dance to that because it looks like you're being stung by wasps." (Dominic Monaghan on rave music)

5. "I stopped eating beef because of Oprah... but I also loved to learn reading." (Modern Humorist on the power of Oprah)

6. "Nothing screams ghetto quite like Warren Beatty". (Rachael Harris on the song Ghetto Superstar from Bulworth)..."When I think ghetto I think Dolly Parton, Kenny Rogers, singing a song... written by Barry Gibb." (some other guy)

7. "Adam Sandler appeals to the man child in all of us. The boy who never quite grew up or whose IQ never reached triple digits." (Michael Ian Black on Adam Sandler)

8. "We've finally reached the point where VH1 is waxing nostalgia about itself." (Michael Ian Black on VH1's Behind the Music)

9. "The music I like to jog to is Modern English's "Melt With You". They could have used a little bit of that song. It would have been a better movie, for me." (Michael Ian Black on Run Lola Run)


1. "It's a really, really well put together show. So I knew it was going to be cancelled." (Weird Al Yankovic on Freaks and Geeks)

2. "If you're gonna create an alter ego and you can pick your own name...? Chris Gaines? LL Cool Gaines would have been better. People kind've laughed at him. But who had the last laugh? The people. The people." (Michael Ian Black on Chris Gaines, the Garth Brooks alter ego)

3. "If you're gonna do some rap, anything from Les Miserables would be wonderful or maybe MAN OF LA MANCHA!" (Michael Ian Black on Jay Z's sampling of Annie's It's A Hard Knock Life)

4. "It's Texas for crying out loud. You're allowed to have a gun on your dashboard, but you can't run around naked in your house? It doesn't make any sense." (Uncle Kracker on Matthew McConaughey's arrest for being high and playing the bongos)

5. "I love Limp Bizkit because they combine rap and metal, 2 genres I really don't listen to. So, they've kind've condensed them into 1 genre I don't have to listen to." (Paul Tompkins)

6. "Being John Malkovich finally answers the question we've all wondered about for so long: What would it be like to be John Malkovich? And it answers it splendidly." (Michael Ian Black on the movie, Being John Malkovich)

7. "Originally it was supposed to be Being Corey Feldman, but I guess Corey Feldman wouldn't agree to it." (Weird Al on Being John Malkovich)

8. "I think it's comedy for people who hated their parents." (Craig Ferguson on The Tom Green Show)

9. "I'll watch anything about sports. I hate sports. But I'll watch any movie about sports. And I'll watch any movie about jocks overcoming insurmountable oddds. What's wrong with me? Why am I supporting these people? They're the ones who assaulted me in high school and I'm cheering for them at the end of Varsity Blues." (Michael Ian Blac on jock movies like Varsity Blues)
Sunday, January 23, 2005

9 Great Things About I Love The 90's...1996 & 1997: Part Deux


1. "That's a true Olympian there, man. Just f*** your ankle up for life. But you got a medal!" (Rachael Harris on Keri Strug's Olympic victory)

2. "Is that the one that they called Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet? That was a pathetic commentary on the ignorance of society if they had to call it Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet. What's it gonna be- DJ Jazzy Jeff's Romeo and Juliet?" (Ben Stein)

3. "It's amazing how insulting the you might be a redneck routine is and how much rednecks actually like it. If you're too stupid to know you're being made fun of? You might be a redneck." (Hal Sparks on Jeff Foxworthy's redneck routine)

4. "Who killed Tupac? Ryan Seacrest. I think everybody knows that." (Greg Fitzsimmons)

5. "Except for morbid obesity, the baldness, the walrus look and the dependency on opiates, a lady could do a lot worse. Because he could harmonize." (Michael Ian Black on David Crosby fathering Melissa Etheridge's baby)

6. "Ahh, that was a beautiful song. Now R. Kelly is singing I believe I can lie." (Loni Love)

7. "Ted Kaczynski disproving the notion that Polish people can't come up with a recipe for anything." (Bil Dwyer on the unabomber)

8. "Every once and awhile jig fever sweeps America and it came back in '96 with avengance!" (Michael Ian Black on Riverdance)

9. "The Caesar (haircut) was like the Rachel for men." (Modern Humorist)


1. "What? Is he auditioning to be the new dial tone?" (Hal Sparks on Kenny G's 45 minute solo holding note)

2. "He invented the record. That's genius. I don't hold any records. I have The Knack on vinyl. That's the only record I own." (Michael Ian Black on Kenny G's record)

3. "He is survived by his longterm companion, The Marlboro Man and their adopted daughter, Courtney Love." (Mo Rocca on Joe Camel's retirement)

4. "TV MA- I still don't know what that means. I think it stands for TV Massachusetts. TV: TV- I think it stands for TV transvestite. TV 14- let's you know if you're under 14, this is probably a show you want to watch." (Michael Ian Black on the TV rating system)

5. "I was on the end of my seat that whole movie saying, what's gonna happen? What's gonna happen at the end?!" (Michael Ian Black on Titanic)

6. "Well, look. I've always loved Celine. As you know, I always wear her fragrance. So for me, she can do no wrong." (Michael Ian Black on Celine Dion's My Heart Will Go On)

7. "Rule is I think in Hollywood is right after you win an Oscar, you're supposed to do a bunch of crappy action movies." (Brad Sherwood on Nicholas Cage's choosing Con Air)

8. "Marcy's Playground smelling like both sex and candy. I'm trying to think. I guess certain candies do smell like sex." (Michael Ian Black on Marcy Playground's song, Sex and Candy)

9. "Starstrip Troopers may be the most underrated film of the century. It was a sort of dark, social commentary that people didn't really understand. And when I say people, I'm raising my own hand." (Michael Ian Black)..."I think actually some of the insects were slightly less rigid than Casper Van Dien" (Chris Hardwick)
Saturday, January 22, 2005

9 Great Things About I Love The 90's...1994 & 1995: Part Deux


1. "I've seen pictures of him. Kinda cute little bugger. I mean, he's a corpse." (Michael Ian Black on the old guy who married Anna Nicole Smith)

2. "Basically Tales From The Crypt was like the horror version of The Love Boat. Like a lot of floating celebrity guests came through." (Hal Sparks)

3. "You know what cranberries are good for? Urinary tract infections. I don't know if that's why they called themselves that or not. I suspect not." (Michael Ian Black on the naming of the pop group, The Cranberries)

4. "They got a cop to talk about it and that was supposed to lend some authority to it. I think they should have gotten Suzanne Somers. She did such a good job with The Thighmaster. Nobody's stealing MY thighs today!" (Michael Ian Black on The Club)

5. "The costumes were fabulous. And there were very complicated dance numbers- with heels. It was way beyond putting baby in a corner." (Kathy Griffin on Priscilla, Queen of the Desert)

6. "I've done the math and it is actually cheaper to buy 2,500 rolls of toilet paper- if you live to be 337." (Beth Littleford on the wholesale shopping craze)

7. "Beck came out with his first song, Loser. You sorta think, oh it's a fun novelty song. Ha ha. No. Turns out the guy's a genius." (Michael Ian Black on Beck)

8. "Blues Traveler is basically what you call a jam band. They play a 3 minute song, but it takes them 45 minutes to play it. John Popper had to be so big. He needed space on his body to place all those harmonicas. A thin man couldn't do that. I couldn't wear all those harmonicas. They'd just slide right off me." (Michael Ian Black)

9. "For me, the primary question of the Counting Crows was, is that singer black or is he Jewish? As a black dude, I like him. As a Jewish dude? Run of the mill. I got enough Jews in my life without Adam Durwitz."
(Michael Ian Black)


1. "I mean it starts with the name. The name's almost unpronounceable- Benicio Del Toro. So you just took that a step further. I'm a shun ran. I'm a me shun." (Michael Ian Black)

2. "It was one of those ensemble casts where they go ok, none of these people are really talented enough to carry a show, but maybe 9 of them together we can slip under the radar for about 8 years." (Greg Fitzsimmons on News Radio)

3. "I think the scariest thing about Psychic Friends Network was Dionne Warwick's nostrils. She did look like the host from Tales From The Crypt." (Tommy Davidson)

4." First of all, what kind of old timey war are we fighting here where we're lying in a ditch for 30 days. Is mustard gas on its way? Is the red baron flying overhead?" (Paul Tompkins on Newt Gingrich's statement on why women shouldn't be in the military)

5. "I don't know if it's the fabric of our life. It might be the fabric of our night life." (Mo Rocca on hemp)

6. "Where do you go after Ghost? I could be a lady." (Chris Hardwick on Patrick Swayze's train of thought when making To Wong Foo)

7. "It was a whole kinder-whore look." (The Donnas on baby doll dresses)

8. "This game would be so much easier if I could name one Kevin Bacon film." (Greg Fitzsimmons on the 6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon Game)

9. "Black people had finally achieved what white people had. If you're rich enough, you can buy your freedom." (Greg Fitzsimmons on the OJ verdict)
Friday, January 21, 2005

9 Great Things About I Love The 90's...1992 & 1993: Part Deux

1. "Bruce Willis actually named each of his kids after one of the gladiators." (Greg Fitzsimmons on the American Gladiators craze)

2. "House of Pain had Jump Around and Kris Kross had their jump song. I think it was nostalgia for 1984 when Van Halen had their song Jump and The Pointer Sisters had Jump (For Your Love). So, I think they were thinking, let's have some more jump songs!" (Weird Al Yankovic)

3. "I questioned in my mind why Bridget Fonda would want to be with the Matt Dillon character. He wasn't real bright. He wasn't real nice. This is my advice to Bridget Fonda in Singles: Why don't you drop that zero and get with a HERO!" (Michael Ian Black)

4. "Basically this is a primer if you want to know how crazy women are and how stupid men are." (Hal Sparks on the book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus)

5. "Waiting on a line. Wait a second. There's a line for this chick?! He's waiting on a line to be be with this girl. Not to date her. To BE with her. Does this chick have a deli number system or something?" (Hal Sparks on Mr. Big's hit song To Be With You)

6. "The controversy with Cop Killer was that some people don't think that cops should be killed." (Modern Humorist on Ice-T's controversial rap song, Cop Killer)

7. "I wasn't that upset about it. I mean if she had ripped up a picture of Chewbacca I would have been upset because I really, really like Chewbacca." (Michael Ian Black on Sinead O' Connor's ripping up the picture of the Pope on SNL)

8. "Northern Exposure. That show. Very popular show. I was going to watch it and then I got a phone call and then I got distracted and then I started to make myself a sandwich and then I missed the entire series. It was on for like 8 years or something like that?" (Some dude I didn't catch the name of)

9. "She sounded like Charlie Brown's teacher goes to the Dominican Republic and smokes a joint." (Tommy Davidson on Rosie Perez)


1. "Stallone succeeds in the physical realm. Run. Jump. Climb. Hit. Shoot. Duck. He's good at that. But when he has to like, emote? It doesn't really always sell." (Henry Rollins)

2. "Much like the VH1 I Love The... series. It just keeps going, and going and going..." (Beth Littleford on the Energizer Bunny)

3. "The Proclaimers. I know them you see because they're Scottish. We all live in the same village." (Craig Ferguson on 500 Miles singers, The Proclaimers)

4. "This is a compilation of sort of feel good stories to make you feel not as worthless as you really might be." (Michael Ian Black on Chicken Soup for the Soul books)

5. "The military should be all gay. The Navy already is. Honey, we're going out on the boat! It's gonna be like six months. I know it sucks. What are you gonna do?" (Michael Ian Black)

6. "What people don't realize is they weren't just insane. They were insane in the membrane- and that's a special kind of insane." (Bil Dwyer on Cypress Hill's hit, Insane in the Membrane)

7. "This movie was a big stretch for Johnny Depp because he was playing a weird loner." (Modern Humorist on What's Eating Gilbert Grape)

8. "Juliette Lewis, who's always semi-retarded. I mean I know she's not technically retarded, but she's got that kind of retarded look about her." (Kathy Griffin)

9. "When it rains for 13, 14 days in a row, you know you might want to move the photo albums to a higher shelf." (Michael Ian Black on the midwest floods)
Thursday, January 20, 2005

9 Great Things About I Love The 90's...1991: Part Deux

1. "Kevin Costner understood that one of the rites of pasage of being a gigantic star is doing a period piece, but in this case he sort of flouted convention by not even trying to do a British accent." (Mo Rocca on Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves)

2. "The premise of Planet Hollywood is that huge multi-billionaire movie stars know a lot about hamburgers." (Greg Fitzsimmons)

3. "Kazbekistan. Uzbekistan. Don John-stan..." (Modern Humorist)

4. "All my favorite Arnold lines, especially from you know, the Terminator series, are just like the 'I've fallen and I can't get up lines' where now, if you say them, you're just immediately a dork." (Trey Parker)

5. "Lollapalooza is a greek word. Lolla meaning bottle of water. Pallooza meaning 4 dollars a pop." (Weird Al Yankovic)

6. "Edward Furlong was just a kid they picked who never acted before. Did it show? You be the judge." (Michael Ian Black on Edward Furlong's first acting role in The Terminator)

7. "This is the film in which Deniro plays the "crazy" convict and Nick Nolte plays the guy who is sober." (Michael Ian Black on Cape Fear)

8. "More Than Words. Well, you should use some words to try to figure out what the f**k you're trying to say." (Rachael Harris on Extreme's song, "More Than Words")

9. "I still don't wear a beeper for an obvious reason. The only people that call are you. 'Wanna come talk about the '90's some more? I don't need a beeper for that. Every 6 months..." (Michael Ian Black on beepers)
Wednesday, January 19, 2005

9 Great Things About I Love The 90's...1990: Part Deux

Ok, so some of you weren't around waayy back in the summer for VH1'sI Love The 90's. I mean AOGB recap style. No worries. Because back by popular demand, it's I Love The 90's recaps... part deux. I wonder. Do you think these pop culture tidbits were insulted when they didn't make the cut the first time?

Who am I kidding? I should just call this, "funny shit Michael Ian Black says" and call off the farce.

1. "It says, take my stuff. I am new to your city. I'm looking up. My! Aren't the buildings tall?!" (Godfrey on fanny packs)

2. ""I think that Kiss misunderstood Unplugged, so they took their makeup off." (Loni Love on MTV's Unplugged)

3. "Dolphins were getting hurt opening the cans because they don't have thumbs." (Greg Fitzsimmons on dolphin safety)

4. "America did not fully love Nascar when Days of Thunder came out. If it had just come out five years later, Tom Cruise woud be a star." (Michael Ian Black)

5. "Will Smith gets into some trouble in his West Philadelphia neighborhood, so his punishment is that he has to move in with his incredibly rich relatives in Bel Air. How stupid is he that he didn't get in trouble earlier?" (Mo Rocca on Fresh Prince)

6. "I felt a little bit like we were scraping the bottom of the barrel with Dick Tracy cause it's not like kids were clamoring to see the movie adaptation of a comic strip from the 30's." (Michael Ian Black)

7. "People wanna credit Ronald Reagan for the fall of the Soviet Union. I think it was Ronald McDonald and the McFish sandwich." (Hal Sparks on the first Mcdonalds coming to Moscow)

8. "You take the 2 things Americans love most- police work and Broadway melodies. It could win an Emmy. It could win a Tony." (Michael Ian Black on Cop Rock)

9. "Caller ID freed up a lot of people from friendships and family members they no longer wanted to deal with. With the technology we have today, I want an emotional Caller ID. I want to know what mood they're in. If it's my wife and she's angry? I'll pass." (Greg Fitzsimmons)
Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Tell It To Me Tuesday: Food For Thought

I'm still ironing out the kinks of how to work Tell It To Me Tuesday. I can't decide if I want it to purely be things you tell ME to do or things we share with each other. I think the latter sounds more democratic. I also can't decide how to address the results because not doing so somehow wrong. What do you think?

On this particular Tuesday, I'd like to start off with a request. I would like you to tell a friend about Tell It To Me Tuesday. Preferably a witty friend and one who likes to comment on total strangers blogs. My goal is to up the anty with this game each week and only YOU have the power to make that happen.

That being said, I present to you Tell It To Me Tuesday for January 18th, 2005:

Everyone loves to eat. Well except maybe for Mischa Barton. You tell me what your favorite food/snack/meal is that I probably haven't tried. Your mission? Try to convince me to try it.
Monday, January 17, 2005

Are The Stars Out Tonight?

Year after year, I'm drawn like a magnet to watch the annual award shows. From The Oscars to The Grammys and everything in between...I've sampled them all. Bonnie Tyler turns around and falls apart. I turn around and watch whatever's on.

This weekend it was a bit of a two-fer as I caved into my curiosity and tuned in to the tsunami concert on NBC. Then, the following night, I watched nearly all the same people gather together again for The Golden Globe Awards. In fact, I just realized this is probably the one and only time in my life where I can be held accountable for Kevin Spacey's whereabouts for an entire 48 hour time frame.

The tsunami concert gave me a warm feeling inside. Not since 9-11 have I seen so many celebrities take time from their lives and gather for the sake of good. I just wish it didn't take a tragedy to make everyone reexamine their priorities.

Most singers came out and sang appropriately chosen songs of their own or songs penned by other artists. For instance, Lenny Kravitz sang "Let Love Rule" and Madonna tried unsuccessfully to sing "Imagine".

Then you had artists who sang songs that showed they missed the purpose of the event entirely. Nelly sang his single "N Dey Say". (white boy translation: And They Say) If you happen to be one of the select few who didn't buy Nelly's companion albums, Sweat & Suit, here are a few completely irrelevant to tragedy and unfortunate series of events type lyrics:

Ha ha ha ha ha ohhhhhhhh
N dey say ohhhhhh ohh ohhhhhhhh
Ha ha ha ha ha ohhhhhhh
N dey say ohhhhh ohhh ohh

Hold up stop now let me get a look at ya,
Damn girl I ain't seen you since prom,
Come to think about it I can't believe its been that long,
I heard your man locked down now how long he gone.... Oh dat long
How the hell he get time like that?

By the way, if you close your eyes and imagine Spandau Ballet's classic hit, "True" your already halfway there. The good half.

Then there was Kenny "I'm only cuter because I've got this cowboy hat on" Chesney who sang his "another tear in my beer anthem", "I Can't Go There". Believe it or not, I love titles that have double meanings. It's like the moment I realized the movie Garden State really had nothing to do with New Jersey. It's what I do nearly every day when I decide on a blog title. I can't help it. I love witty double entendres. Still, let's just say when Kenny talks about not going there he ain't exactly talking about Sri Lanka, k?

Then we had The Golden Globes which basically has the exact opposite effect on all of the very same people. Just think, on Saturday night they were all answering phones, all very "Kumbaya". Hell, I think even Dan Ackroyd was in on the action cause as we all know from the "We Are The World" days, it ain't a fund raiser till Ackroyd is in the house... Can I get an amen?! Then the next night it's business as usual as the very same person they swayed and sang with is back to being the proverbial thorn in their side. Oh sure they all smile like they mean it, and congratulate each other on a job well done. But how many of those people mean it really. If you ask me, there's a tried and true formula to a celebrity's sincerity. It's a two-tired plan of action so listen up:

Tier 1- Watch their reaction to other nominees when they don't know you're watching. I'm talking about the awkward moments where the camera pans back to their obviously bored face or even worse, at the exact moment they choose to lean in to a loved one and mouth something that shows either disinterest or disdain.

Tier 2- Watch how the very same people react to their own nominations. If they're clapping and all smiles and they STOP when their name is mentioned, they are truly a good sport about the whole thing (or at least their trying to be). If they, however, continue to clap for themselves as a nominee that's a sure sign of false modesty if they should win. You don't clap for yourself. It's just wrong. You sit back. You do the weird wink thing Liam Neeson did. ANYTHING BUT CLAP. Because all clapping does is draw attention to the fact that you want to win and probably won't, which will make the cameraman pan back to you again which in that case well... see tier 1.

So as another Golden Globe ceremony comes to a close, we all can sit back and reflect. For us commoners, we can look back on all the highbrow movies nominated that we didn't watch and let's face it, probably never will. For the stars, it's time to let go of this year's biopic and look forward to next year's portrayal of a mentally challenged man or woman who overcomes the odds. Because it's not whether you win or lose. Rather it's about whether or not the outro music in the soundtrack of life cuts you off before you get to say thanks to those who got you there.
Sunday, January 16, 2005

Not That It's Any Of MY Business...

Just curious.

If there are so many business blogs on Blog Explosion, when do these people actually do business?

And, since we're on the subject, do we really want to take business advice from someone who has the time to surf through BE?
Friday, January 14, 2005

When You Care Enough To Send The Very Best

I have a confession.

I have an obsession.

I also now have a desire to write sentences with words ending in "ssion" but that ain't happening anytime soon.

I heart Fresh Ink cards. Fresh Ink cards are not your typical greeting card. Oh no. They are so, SO much more. They are quirky without being cutesy. Corny without being cheesy. Unique without being freakish.

Yes, indeed. They speak my language, those Fresh Ink folks.

I used to collect (ok, I sometimes still do) movie ticket stubs. Most people find this hysterical because there's not much to do with them. I don't think it's so insane. I mean when was the last time you saw someone take their stamp collection out and start playing a round of "whose worth more?" Yeah, I didn't so. So to those people I say shut up. You have your little quirks and I'll have mine.

I also, have a dream. My dream involves buying every damn Fresh Ink card known to man. Well, at least the funny ones. I want to keep them and cherish them forever. And on those days when I am feeling really low I'd break them out, and slowly but surely, my frown will turn upside down.

There are some people who think Fresh Ink cards are in a word, "aight", but their blank expressions tell me that they simply don't get it. Well guess what Fresh Ink not getters? I don't get YOU.

Sending a nice greeting card never hurt anyone, unless you are counting freak accidents of the paper cut variety. I know it would take lots of tongues and lots of envelopes but if you ask me, I think it's worth it.

Listen, I don't know how to fix all the problems of the world. All I'm saying is I think sending Fresh Ink cards is a damn good place to start.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Water On The Brain

Dear Water,

Listen. I wanted to be the one to put this straight to you. You know people have been talking, right? Honestly, you and I have always gotten along. You were the wind beneath my wings when I took my first bath. You gently played with me as I jumped your waves. Oh and do you remember the time I learned how to swim? We had fun back then. Yes, those were good times.

But lately something's changed. You've changed. I've spoken to the sun, moon and stars on this and we're all in agreement so please don't turn away. You're not your same old, "splish, splash, raindrops keep falling on my head" happy go lucky self. No, lately you've been different. Angry. Sullen. I mean I've witnessed your whirlpools and been caught in your hail storms, but not since the days of Noah's Ark have I seen such an overwhelming hostility from a God given element. Yes water, I'm talking to YOU. To semi-paraphrase a verse from the 1980's Pet Shop Boys hit, "What have we, what have we, what have we done to deserve this"?

Don't get me wrong. I know people have been mean to you before. They're playful, yet hurtful remarks about Evian being naive spelled backwards. And then there's the whole neglect issue given the, "8 glasses a day thing" that virtually no one abides by. I get it. Sometimes you feel unappreciated and rightfully so. We want iced tea? You make it so. We need healthy crops? You say consider it done. But water, two wrongs don't make a right. Just because people haven't always appreciated you,that's no reason for you to drown us in a new batch of sorrows, literally.

As if being a ringleader in the devastating tsunami wasn't bad enough, I then get wind of the news that you've been an accomplice to the mudslides in California. Water, if I've told you once I've told you dozen times. Mud is headed down the wrong path!

You: Keep us clean. Mud: Makes us dirty.
You: Keep us hydrated. Mud: Keeps us dirty.

Are you detecting a pattern here?

I know it seems like the damage has already been done, but water you have to listen to me when I say it's not too late to turn yourself in. Sure you might get a few extra days community service in the warm, summer months, but really, what's the trade off? What's next? A penguin freeze out? A Swiss Alps blizzard? A Scott Hamilton figure skating mishap? Next thing I know you'll tell me you had a hand in this whole Brad/Jennifer thing. Where will it all end?!

No water. It must end and it must end NOW. No more fooling around with Mother Nature. Let's face it, you need us as much as we need you. You'd be bored without 66% or so of people's bodies to occupy because covering 80% of the Earth might sound cool now but believe me, it gets old and it gets old fast.

So water, I hope you take what I've said today to heart. We need to know we can trust you will go back to being the ice in our coca colas and the frost on our windows. We need you water. You're our main man. Our H20. Don't let us down.


Janet B
Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Tell It To Me Tuesday: "You Can Tell Everybody This Is Your Song" Edition

Ok, so I received a lot of great ideas to add to my own personal list of great ideas for Tell It To Me Tuesday. Lucky for us both, there are a lot of Tuesdays (comes once every 7 days to be exact), so there will be plenty of time for every good Tell It To Me Tuesday to have it's moment in the sun. If you think of one you just hafta share, email me and I'll add it to the queue.

Without further adieu, here's your Tell It To Me Tuesday for January 11th, 2005:

"You tell me what song you know and love that you think I should know and love, but that you're certain I don't know and therefore love...yet."
Sunday, January 09, 2005

You Were Always On My Mind, Cause Frankly, I Don't Have A Choice In The Matter

We have a lot of very important people who have come and gone through this world. Many of these people we choose to commemorate in any way we can. We do things like put their images on coins and bills or dedicate whole stamp collections to them.

Then there are the real bigwigs. These are people like Jesus, Martin Luther King and any dude you know who is a veteran. These people are really important. We know this because we get a day off, as long as we promise (fingers crossed behind our backs) to celebrate them...kinda, sorta.

But for every President's birthday, there is the inexplicable. On Saturday we had one of those days. Saturday was Elvis Presley's birthday. I'd love to wish Mr. Presley happy birthday but this is a problem for two reasons:

1. I don't know Elvis.
2. Elvis is dead.

Incidentally, this also kinda puts a damper on the whole, "how old are you now" verse of the song.

Every year we celebrate the birth of Elvis as if Elvis is being born all over again. There are Elvis Presley movie marathons and radio stations that play Elvis tunes around the clock.The only other "holiday" that even comes close to this is Christmas, but Jesus obviously didn't have the right PR reps.

But, in what is perhaps the creepiest aspect of the "celebration" is that some newspaper, somewhere feels the need to show us what Elvis would have looked like if he had been alive today. I'll tell you what he would have looked like. This year the man would have been 70. He loved to eat peanut butter and banana sandwiches. The man would be chunky and he would have looked old.

The celebration of the birth of Elvis amazes me on so many levels really. I mean I know the guy died fairly young, even if he was already in the velour track suit phase of his life. But really, what other celebrity do we pull out all the stops for? Marilyn Monroe comes close. James Dean? Perhaps. Hey! Come to think of it, they also died young. So, given that theory, does that mean we have 50 years of computer imaging of River Phoenix's face to look forward to? God, I hope not.

No, as far as I can tell, no other celebrity comes close to getting a grip on the American public the way Elvis does, err, I mean did. Of course, if Madonna dies in the next five years or so she might have a shot at it. No pressure or anything.

But what is even MORE amazing about Elvis is that not only do we celebrate the man as if he was a huge historical figure unlike we do for any other celebrity, we actually go all out TWO TIMES a year! This January 8th thing? Hell, that's only the celebration of his birth, man! We also sneak in a montage or two to acknowledge the day the man died, on August 16, 1977. How perfect for him actually. His birth and his death so well spaced out like that. In fact, there is just enough time between the two events that you forget you just celebrated Elvis and his life oh I don't know, a mere five or six months ago.

So go ahead, have your fun. Watch your Clambake and hum you a little "Jailhouse Rock", even if you'll "groundhog day it" all again in the summer. In fact, I say we might as well finish the farce and get a day off for the man, you know, to mournfully acknowledge that Elvis has indeed, left the building. That and it would be a great day to catch up on half priced Christmas items.
Saturday, January 08, 2005

Put Your Money Where Your Tsunami Is

Now that the initial shock of the tsunami is wearing off, I'm beginning to hear a lot more about what people actually plan to do about it. For starters, lots of aid is being sent over. On a smaller scale, my school is collecting donations for the tsunami relief effort, or as many kids in my class innocently referred to it today, "the salami".

But the more and more I hear about what ordinary people like you and me are doing, the more curious I get about what the rich and (sometimes) beautiful are up to. Let me preface this by saying this is not the usual morbid curiosity mode I kick into whenever anything remotely pop culture related pops up. This instead is a call for celebrities to shut up and put up.

I for one am SICK of celebrities talking about what a horrible tragedy this is and doing just that; talking. No one needs your words, "insert famous celebrity name here". Unless of course, I'm sadly mistaken and verbiage is indeed a form of currency in other parts of the world.

That child starving over there in Sri Lanka doesn't care about your public service annoucement, and cares even less about you Molly Sims. Gracing us with your presence at a telethon is not going to rebuild houses, George Clooney. And where do you think you're going Brad Pitt? Over to the countries that were ravaged? You're right. Seeing Brad definitely takes precendence over eating, anyday. But just in case, maybe you could throw a few granola bars into that backpack of yours, k?

Here are a few other "notable celebrity contribution" highlights:

1. They say: Olivia Newton-John, Boy George, and Robin and Barry Gibb of the Bee Gees are teaming up to record a single that is aimed to raise money.

I say: Note the word aimed. Come on now. Let's be realistic. How much money have any of these folks made on music since 1984?

2. They say: Jay Leno announced he would be auctioning off an autographed Harley Davidson motorcycle and proceeds will go to the Red Cross.

3. They say: Chow Yun-Fat, star of "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" is auctioning off a photograph he took.

I say: To draw you a real world analogy, this would be like if Chow Yun-Fat and Jay Leno got together and had one big giant lemonade stand for a good cause. Translation, you're both worth millions so you can save your 8x10's and pop-a-wheelies.

I know, I know. Some celebrities (i.e. Sandra "1 million, now we're talking" Bullock and Leonardo "sizable, yet unmentionable donation" Dicaprio) hearts are in the right places. But for every Sandra, there's a Tom Cruise, Will Smith and every member of the enigma that is the country singing group Alabama out there to prove otherwise.

Think about how much money an actress like Julia Roberts gets for making one, single freakin' movie. Consider how much money Ozzy Osbourne was worth before making a mockery of himself of MTV. Mull over how many times Oprah Winfrey could buy and sell ALL OF US and rename this country Winfreyica. (Seriously. It all hinges on a mere snap of the fingers people.)

Face it. These people have power. These people have influence. But perhaps most importantly, these people have MONEY, and in most cases, lots of it. If EVERY SINGLE ONE of these Hollywood bigwigs put up a mill it wouldn't solve the problem, but it would at least make a dent. Instead it's regular folks that are scraping together what they can, sending it over and crossing their fingers.

So until I hear about the likes of Jim Carrey, Hugh Hefner, Barbra Streisand, Kelsey Grammar, any Friends cast member, Paris Hilton, Tom Hanks, Harrison Ford, Angelina Jolie, (insert deep breath here) Michael Jackson, David Letterman, Britney Spears, Rosie O'Donnell, Madonna, Prince, J-Lo, Celine Dion etc. etc. coughing it up, they can save their songs, souvenirs and special appearances for someone who collects, not for someone who needs money.

NOTE: Something told me I should have included this earlier, but I didn't. If you've gotten this far, know that I am in no way affiliated with Hollywood and therefore I am not privy to any specific information regarding who gave what. I'm sure there are some celebrities who chose to donate privately. If it happens to be someone on my list, then I apologize. This list was written in theory. All I do know is that for every celebrity who has donated, there are at least another five who should. I also realize that doing something, anything is better than nothing. Celebs lending their time and faces is something, but I guarantee you the people who are suffering, if given a choice, would rather have their money, clothing, shelter or food than their PR any day. I also personally feel that if what takes an average American to get off the couch and donate is a celebrity telling them to do so, that's a problem in itself.
Friday, January 07, 2005

Something Borrowed

Recently I had the privilege of going shopping in Judy's car. No, Judy didn't rob a store. Gawd! That's like, sooo Jane's Addiction, circa 1990! She was merely cleaning out a bunch of stuff she didn't want anymore. Rewind a bit to Judy and I sitting in her car, talking about good books we've read and want to read. Right about then, a lightbulb went on above Judy's head and she opened her trunk and let me go shopping.

"Ooh Stephen King!", I exclaimed.
"Wow, a book recommended by Oprah. You know those HAVE to be good!", I oozed.

Then I asked her, "Are you really sure you want to get rid of all of these books?"

Judy said: "Well, they've been sitting here forever. Maybe there's a reason for it. Maybe I subconciously don't want to part with about you just borrow them?"

"Fine by me," I said. After all, I'm no stranger to borrowing books. In fact, I haven't purchased a novel in so many years. The library is like my Cheers. Well without Norm, and everyone else. And come to think of it, everybody there doesn't really know my name, as I don't know theirs. The one librarian, in fact, still gives me funny looks. But it has the essence of being MY Cheers because at the library, I feel like I'm at my home away from home.

Most people go to the grocery store, list in hand, ready to buy items. This is a lot like what I do at the library. I often go, with my list, and browse a bit. I find that if I go without a list I have a much harder time pinpointing what to get. Even with the list it's tough. Should I get a mystery or should I go for something that goes down a bit smoother, like chick lit? One would think I was deciding to buy a house. Thank God girls like me don't have to make monumental decisions too often.

On average, I try to get five books a time out of the library. I don't know why but for me 2 weeks divided by five books seems like a good, solid number. This is of course, when I have the time on my hands. With work, I haven't been going nearly as much. In fact, Christmas break was the first time I had been there since summer. So, when we were reunited, it felt so good.

It also should be said that I'm a bit of a speed reader. In some ways this is an asset, in others, it's a pain. I have this uncanny ability to scan a page and get the "gist" of what is being said. I do the same thing with blogs. Most of the time this works out well for me. But I also realize, that on the flipside, I am basically an ADD reader who can't take the time to sniff the "he said's", "she said's" and other random, background descriptions. I honestly don't know what my hurry is. I mean I'm blogging about this crap so obviously, I can make the time.

All I know is when I read a book, a good book, I feel good about myself. I feel smarter for not losing brain cells by staring at the TV for too long. I feel more well-read because well, I was reading. I feel inspired because often a good book inspires me to want to write more myself.

In short, today's lesson is that borrowing can be a good thing. As long as you're not borrowing things like false teeth and husbands.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

I See Your BOB And I Raise You A Bloggie

Did you ever wish you could go back in time and do something all over again?

Well, then, maybe you should check this out. It's the 2005 Weblog Awards, also known as the Bloggies. I'm not going to go into all the details because quite frankly I haven't read them all yet myself. Besides, that's what hyperlinks were created for.

You say you feel your best friend's sister's blog was overlooked at the BOB's? You feel you should have been nominated in a category so unique it hasn't even been created yet?

So here's your chance to make your vote count. Vote for "the one that got away". Vote for me. Vote for you. Hell, just vote. Because let's face it; contests are fun. They're almost as fun as comment games.

Although a degree of anonymity will most likely continue, the promise of the snazzy button you *might* get would be sorta cool.
Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Wednesday Fights Back

Hi readers, Wednesday here.

Janet wanted me to say mucho gracias to all the bloggers and passersby who commented on Tell It To Me Tuesday. At last count a whopping 22 of you commented and those weren't even 22 different visitors. Yet a whole lot more of you actually visited and didn't say anything. Instead you just sat in the back of the class, chewing on your pencils. Because of this, Janet, who is a teacher, is currently in the process of recording incomplete marks in her grade book. You guys remind me of the time I hung out with Thursday. No fun AT ALL.

I'm actually no stranger to frustration. Monday and Saturday are all I hear about. "Manic Monday", "I Don't Like Mondays", "Monday Monday"..."S-A-T-U-R D-A-Y, NIGHT!", "Saturday Night's All Right For Fighting", "Another Saturday Night And I Ain't Got Nobody"... I could go on forever. Where's my fun, carefree anthem? Hell, Friday and Tuesday even got restaurants named after them now. Just like a bad ex-boyfriend, all I'm seen as is something people have to get over.

But back to the subject at hand. Janet got all of your ideas and will post the first Tell It To Me Tuesday. I tried to talk her into doing it Wednesday but she said: "Wednesday? Whoever talks about Wednesday?"

See what I mean?

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a conference to make it to where I'm attempting to explain my silent 'd' once again.

Give Thursday my regards!

Much love,

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Hey Kids! It's Tell It To Me Tuesday!

Everybody needs a gimmick. Their one-hit wonder. Their Chia Pet.

That being said, I decided this blog needs it's own trademark.

I don't know if I have enough "unique visitors" for this thing to work, but what the hell, I'll give it a whirl.

It's called "Tell It To Me Tuesday". Basically, the name says it all. Every Tuesday I will pose a question. (i.e.- You tell me what ________ I should be reading. You tell me what ___________ I should be watching.) See how easy this is? I already gave you two.

This is where YOU come in. In the comments section, YOU will tell ME what you think based on that day's question. In summation, every Tuesday I am giving semi strangers and even a few complete strangers license to tell me how to live my life. And really, who doesn't love telling others what to do, even a little bit? Come on, you know you do. Yes, you.

I already have a few ideas in my head, but I decided it to kick it off old school with an ice breaker.

So, tell me, what kinds of things do YOU want to see in future Tell It To Me Tuesdays?

P.S.- Tell your friends, especially those who have access to a computer. (wink, wink)

Go ahead, hit me with your best shot.

Hey Kids! It's Tell It To Me Tuesday!

Everybody needs a gimmick. Their one-hit wonder. Their Chia Pet.

That being said, I decided this blog needs it's own trademark.

I don't know if I have enough "unique visitors" for this thing to work, but what the hell, I'll give it a whirl.

It's called "Tell It To Me Tuesday". Basically, the name says it all. Every Tuesday I will pose a question. (i.e.- You tell me what ________ I should be reading. You tell me what ___________ I should be watching.) See how easy this is? I already gave you two.

This is where YOU come in. In the comments section, YOU will tell ME what you think based on that day's question. In summation, every Tuesday I am giving semi strangers and even a few complete strangers license to tell me how to live my life. And really, who doesn't love telling others what to do, even a little bit? Come on, you know you do. Yes, you.

I already have a few ideas in my head, but I decided it to kick it off old school with an ice breaker.

So, tell me, what kinds of things do YOU want to see in future Tell It To Me Tuesdays?

Go ahead, hit me with your best shot.
Sunday, January 02, 2005

Because People Love Lists

Things I Predict Will Happen In 2005 (Incidentally, a great accompaniment piece to Stuff I Learned In 2004)

1. Jude Law, by default, will become heir to the Hugh Grant, "aren't I devilishly adorable in a feminine, but totally straight dude sorta way" American's have grown to know and love.

2. Ever popular reality shows like The Simple Life, Newlyweds and The Osbournes will return and show us it is possible to have too much of a bad thing.

3. In a desperate attempt to hold onto his 15 minutes of fame, Ashton Kutcher will release the DVD, Punked: Come On Now! This Is Some Funny Shit! Why Aren't You Laughing?"

4. In an ironic twist, Topher "Don't Call Me Christopher because that's too generic" Grace will "grace" us with his presence in a number of skillfully selected, just under the radar critic darlings starring equally cool, but unaffected up and coming co-stars.

5. Britney will do some crazy ass shit.

6. In an effort to aid Tsunami victims, hitmaker David "Voices That Care" Foster will write a touching song entitled "River of Tears" with Kenny Loggins on lead vocals after nearly every other vocalist is "unavailable". (I know this looks bad Kenny, but I still love ya).

7. Nepotism will rear its ugly head when somebody, anybody's brother, sister, daughter, cousin makes it BIG in music, movies or television...completely of their own accord, of course.

8. A mysterious illness will break out amongst all talk show hosts. Tony Danza only known survivor.

9. John Kerry, hard at work in the lab for the remainder of '04, will finally reveal his new facial expression.

and, drumroll please...

10. Bloggers will have fun, fun, fun till Microsoft takes their passwords away.

It's All About Who You Know

At long last, the BOB finalists are up! Congratulations to all the top ten nominees. I haven't been this excited since it came down to Clay vs. Ruben.

I started visiting the finalists I hadn't visited yet because I like to know what I've been missing. But this post is not about them; it's about all those finalists who I already "knew". Just like the children I don't have, I love you all the same.

Geese Aplenty
Sigmund, Carl and Alfred
The Sound of Muzik
Fat Eye For The Skinny Guy
This Full House
Bundles of Babbles
Tof Reknin Day

If you kindly would look to your right, you will notice there are a few other nominees. Yeah. I can't take credit for those for it was the BOB's that introduced me to them.

Hopefully voting will be a much painless process than the, ahem, other time I voted this year.

I don't know about you, but I can't wait until the formal wear competition.

Saturday, January 01, 2005

About Last Night

So check this out. Yesterday I dreamt I was surfing through BE too much and somehow became the top rated blog. I even had a few extra visitors flocking to my site and staying past their required 30 seconds. It was surreal.

Then the dream got even weirder. All of a sudden I had all these comments saying the same thing in a different way: "Michele sent me". I know, creepy, right? I mean Michele could be ANYONE. And you know, it was New Year's Eve. Maybe it was the apocalypse. I mean, Prince did say the party was over, oops out of time and that was waaay back in '99.

Then things got even stranger. While on BE, I started wishing random strangers a happy new year. I don't know why. I don't even particularly care that it is 2005. All this year serves to remind me is that it's been 10 years since I graduated high school. Like Cher once said, "if I could turn back time..." You and me both Cher. You and me both.

But then I woke up. It was a silent morning. All the paparazzi had vacated the premises. I must have turned back into a pumpkin while I was soundly sleeping.

Don't dream. It's over.



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