Write Back Weekend "
Sad Bad Songs Say So Much"
What lies before you are a list of songs that should have never been made. Of course there are many others. There are always others. All the world can hope for now is that they will never be remade, again.
1. Walk the Dinosaur- Was Not Was: This song had a matching video complete with a dance back in the eighties. It's bad more in a silly way more than the others. In other words, it wasn't trying to be the world's next pop masterpiece. On some level its recording is made excusable by having this knowledge. However a song about "walking the dinosaur" shouldn't have been made then, now or ever, so it still made the cut.
2. Make Em Say Uhhh!- Master P Feat. Silkk, Fiend, Mia-X And Mystikal: Listen, I have had my fair share of rap songs that I have enjoyed. But seriously. Some of these things that rappers try to pass off as "songs" are ridiculous. So as a result, I chose Make Em Say Uhhh to represent the horrible rap songs out there instead of listing all of them here. You're welcome.
3. Spin the Black Circle- Pearl Jam: I've always enjoyed Pearl Jam the band. No wait, that's not entirely true. When Pearl Jam first became popular I was extremely reluctant to trade in my hair band roots for Seattle rock grunge. But after hearing songs like Alive and Jeremy, I came around to the idea. Spin The Black Circle on the other hand, is just obnoxious and redundant. I can't decide which quality is more annoying.
4. Rich Girl- Gwen Stefani: Here's the thing. I understand what Gwen Stefani was trying to do with this song. Only problem is, in my mind, it simply didn't work. It's a pop ripoff of Fiddler on the Roof. And really, who ever needed the worlds of arranged, Orthodox Jewish marriages and bare midriffs to be brought together in holy matrimony?
5. Who Let The Dogs Out?- Baha Men: It's grown men, barking. I think my work is done here.
6. Rock Me Amadeus- Falco: This is one of the few songs on this list that has the distinction of making the worst of videos and the worst of songs, period. It should be honored, or not, as the case may be. All the reasons I hated it then are the same reasons I hate it now. There's really no reason to say it twice.
7. She Blinded Me With Science- Thomas Dolby: Years ago this song actually scared me. Why is he shouting at me? What is he shouting about? How can you blind someone with science anyhow? Throw a beaker of sulfuric acid in their eyes during chem lab? And if that's the case, why didn't you just say that in the first place? I'm confused.
8. She Bangs- Ricky Martin: Ok, in my defense this song was way annoying long before the days of William Hung. As soon as I hated this song it was hate at first listen. What makes it all the more grating is that chorus sticks to your ribs, long after you've heard it. You need only hear it once to have it ruin your life forever. If you have h heard it and now the mere mention of it has the song, once again lodged in your brain, you know what I'm talking about. I'm sorry, but I had to prove a point.
9. Shiny Happy People- REM: Listen, REM had a lot of great songs. Unfortunately Shiny Happy People was far from being the finest hour. It's one three minute and change acid trip. It might have fit in perfectly at Woodstock but in the nineties, it stood out like Barry Manilow ad a Metallica concert.
10. Mmm, Mmm, Mmm, Mmm- Crash Test Dummies: There are people out there that actually enjoy this song. There are people out there that actually paid money for this song. Never mind the fact that at least half of the song is just the singer's mumbling of the words, Mmm, Mmm, Mmm, Mmm. I understand that it's creepy and that it's also novelty. But that doesn't mean creepy novelty can't also equal crap.
11. You're Having My Baby- Paul Anka: To somebody, somewhere You're Having My Baby is a lovely way to say I love you. But it's great in a, "guy writes a song to his wife and then never, ever, ever, ever shares it with anyone else, ever again" sorta way.
12. Mr. Roboto- Styx: This is another song that also made the worst of list video wise. Dennis De Young had such a killer voice, even if you didn't always like Styx's music. This song serves no purpose though as it doesn't show off that voice. I think it was a lame attempt to be hip (in an eighties way) at the time. I'm afraid, h however, that it backfired miserably.
13. Butterfly Kisses- Bob Carlisle: I know I'm going to get a lot of protests with this one. As it stands, it is still a popular father/daughter dance song at weddings. I can't help it though. This song has always creeped me out. Its sentiment is sweet and well-intentioned, I suppose. I think my main problem is though that it just doesn't work as a song. A poem, perhaps, but not a song. It's way too wordy. It's like they're trying to cram words that don't belong to make it rhyme. Oh and the dad's obsession with the daughter is just a little too suffocating for my tastes, but hey that's me.
14. Lovin' You- Minnie Riperton: I always thought this song came across like some sort of joke. Like no one could seriously record this and get away with it. So when you think about the fact that Riperton's daughter, Maya Rudolph, is now a singer/comedianne, maybe she was only half serious at the time. At least the world can only hope. It is probably on a list somewhere of hits songs with the fewest words ever spoken. The high notes are impressive, sure but not in an enjoyable sort of way. It reminds me of the scene in Dirty Dancing when the sister sings "Away, Away, Aaaaaaawaaaaaay!!!" Now those are some bad high notes at their finest.
15. Pets- Porno for Pyros: I never understood America's brief fascination with Perry Farrell, Jane's Addiction or ultimately, Porno For Pyros. Jane's Addicition's Jane Said eventually grew on me, but Pets never did. I suppose it's trying to be a deep commentary on our times. But when it's comment is literally the words "We'll make great pets!" eight times in a row, the meaning, if there ever was one, is lost on me.
16. Live For Loving You- Gloria Estefan:
When I look back on my life thus far and I can clearly break it down into two distinct time periods, both of which revolve around Gloria Estefan. The first half of my life when I loved Gloria Estefan, and the second part of my life where she makes my ears bleed.
First there were the early, Miami Sound Machine years. I loved songs like Words Get In The Way, Conga, and Anything For You along with the rest of the world. But there were signs, in retrospect, that an overthrow was underway. Songs like Bad Boys and 1,2,3,4 held my interest but also infuriated me at the same time. And then the early nineties came. She fell down but her career got back up. Then we had songs like the one that made the list here, Live For Loving You. It's a tropical nightmare that I simply cannot excuse, even if this is the same lady who insisted that the rhythm was indeed, going to get me.